#we're adults now dammit and i'm feeling like dumbass little kid again i hate it here

[lexpressobean]

gonna start tagging this shit as #lextalkstothevoid. i need to vent some

i apologize in advance

i can’t tell if my friends see me as this “good” person because i’ve never had a serious argument with any of them like i use to have with an old friend who’s no longer a part of my life as of this month. i knew her for over fifteen years.

the people i call friends now don’t know me as intimately as she did, and yet, just within the year we cut ties, i found myself avoiding her just to be with them. we cut ties because i was honest and tried my best to communicate what i was feeling. she decided i had become too cold and she couldn’t understand where i was coming from despite me pouring my heart out. my mistake was trying to keep distance with a tether. we all know it’s best to walk away at some point, and that point for me was quite a while ago, but she was my best friend since i was 13. it. was. hard. but now the thing i thought i didn’t want to happen happened anyway.

the event that set everything in motion was definitely her doing tho. she not only lied to me (as I found out a year later), but she twisted my words around and attacked my character. it was like she was looking for a reason to fight with me, yet when i stood my ground and i pointed out the facts, she tried to take back her instigation and didn’t want to talk about it. but you don’t get that upset for no reason, and i really couldn’t understand why she did in that moment. and when she finally told me her reason, it was such an exaggeration of a reaction, both in my opinion and objectively.

now i’ve just been thinking and thinking, since i don’t have access to a therapist, i have to figure some shit out. because even if we’re never gonna speak again, that’s actually fine by me. and even if it wasn’t, it’d have to be.

and all i really got is that we simply grew up into different types of people...

which is a very generic blanket like statement. she’s called me cold, and heartless, and scary. i know anyone else in my life would disagree.

but i guess, she had some resentment building up that she never talked to me about. because she never talked about how she really felt unless it was a positive thing. maybe she didn’t like when i told her her things honestly, because sometimes honesty hurts or is unpleasant. maybe she thought i was too honest. maybe she didn’t like that i was so safe about my business. maybe she didn’t say it out loud, but to her, i was a complete downer because of these things. maybe she didn’t think i was fun anymore. maybe she didn’t like a lot of things about me, but she never told me these things upfront

she probably didn’t because then why would we still be friends if she didn’t like me? i think about it more still, and i realized i was her only friend. i was the outgoing one and she didn’t make much of an effort to make new friends. i wasn’t cold, i just didn’t indulge her temper tantrums or pity-parties. i wasn’t heartless, we just had different priorities/opinions and i didn’t agree necessarily with everything she did or said. and i needed someone on the outside to tell me this, but i wasn’t scary. when you don’t give anyone a reason to be scared of you, but someone is still sacred of you anyway, the reason is because they’re usually up to something, and if it has to do with you, they’re scared that you’re going to catch on. they’re scared because they’re lying to you, or tricking you, or trying to play you. that’s what someone told me, because here i was, thinking i must’ve had some crazy anger management issues i needed to control, when others told me i managed all my emotions just fine. one went on to point out i wouldn’t have come this far in my career if i couldn’t since i work so intimately with people...

all it took was one person of romantic interest for her to stop giving a fuck about me completely. i used to be her shoulder to cry on, and suddenly nothing but updates about how her life was going so great while she blocked out anything else. and when i needed her to show me she still cared, told her that i felt like she didn’t care about me anymore. her response was that she knew i hadn’t been at my best... and yet she never bothered to check in and really try to help me out, even if it was to just support me... she claimed to not understand me, but now it just seems like she just didn’t want to.

she was no longer someone who was good for me. she doesn’t care about me anymore. but i know she did a long time ago. and if there was something i didn’t take into account, that honest to god slipped my mind, i wouldn’t know. i don’t know what i did to make her feel how she does now. but even if the change of her feelings was my fault, she never communicated with me and just acted so unnecessarily passive-aggressive. maybe she was more afraid of being hated than being honest with her feelings. maybe i just didn’t want to be hated either once i realized we had grown apart. i still cared at the time, even if it hurt.

now it’s hard to care. i feel more angry than anything, but not so much with her than with myself. i doubted myself all this time, thinking i was to blame for it all. but she really was just a liar with no friends left. and now she’s with someone romantically that probably shares her views and her mentality and likes her just the way she is. and that’s great for her.

i don’t wish anyone ill. it takes two to tango, as they say. i just don’t know why she couldn’t be honest from the beginning. all this time wasted trying to salvage something that couldn’t be.

... sometimes it’s not the lack of communication. it’s just a tired situation that can’t be fixed...